I was asked to write a blog entry to share about New ID; the only way I can share about the class is by sharing part of my journey.
I have struggled with self image all of my life, and this is not an exaggeration. One of my earliest memories is rubbing algae cream, a supposed fat burner, on my twelve year old belly and wrapping myself in saran wrap because I was ‘fat’ and my belly to flabby. This is the time when I started my first diet. Puberty hit at around 15 and with it the drama of not being magazine looking skinny. Heck, I had inherited my grandmother’s hips and her curvy looks, so hello diets, patches, pills, soups… I was always dieting and always feeling fat: this was my understanding of a normal relationship with my body.
At 17, I moved to the US for a few months to learn English, and during that time I became a Christian. I went back to Colombia for a final farewell (my whole family was relocating to Florida), and the majority of initial interactions with friends and family had to do with my new looks. A common opening line was “what in the world did they feed you over there?” The entire return home was consumed with everyone commenting on my weight. I came back to the US, our new home, with a mission: accelerated dieting. I tried Slim Fast, over the counter pills, another soup concoction...One afternoon I was watching TV and saw a character that had bulimia; she was throwing up her food. The light went on in my head. All I needed now was to throw up what I ate, genius, I thought. The purging started.
For eight solid years I had an intense- full blown eating disorder, Bulimia. I spent many days, months and years worrying about pounds, inches, and diets. These years involved heavy diets, laxatives, diet pills, throwing up and complete and absolute despair. My fear of fat was paralyzing. I had blisters in my mouth and had holes on the roof of my mouth. I lost a lot of hair and my finger nails did not grow.
Despite it all, I hid it well. Most people didn’t know. I never talked about it, and my curvy body shape allowed me to hide the disorder. I felt inadequate, unattractive and insecure. I was extremely competent socially; people would come up to me for advice and friendship, so nobody imagined ‘I’ could struggle with something like ‘that.’ I didn’t ask for help, and never shared my struggles and flaws. I thought if I shared with others they would think I was too much.
In 2008, I attended a women’s retreat where I heard for the first time the story of the bleeding woman in the gospel of Mark. She had been cast away from society; the world with its doctors had nothing to offer to her. She heard about Jesus and traveled for miles to see him. She believed she would be healed if she could only touch his robe. And she went on this long, difficult journey after Jesus. She was healed, and she was called daughter. I felt I was like the bleeding woman, and I was ready for a journey after Jesus.
The spiritual component of my struggle started to make sense that weekend. God softened my heart. I learned that I was untrusting, which led me to feeling inadequate, not worthy, not whole, and not good enough. I was covering up these feelings with an erroneous sense of independence. The truth was that I needed to believe God’s promise that he would never leave me, never forsake me. He was my father and my maker. Even more, he had made me perfect, fearfully and wonderfully made, and he had a plan for my life – Psalm 139:14. So if the God of the universe had made me, who was I to tell him that he had messed up? Who was I to tell the God of the universe he had gone overboard in the hip department? He had made ME; perfect, according to his plan.
With my new found identity as a daughter, who was loved, cherished and who would never be left alone, my self hatred was over. My recovery had just begun. I spent the next two years looking at my relationship with God, and how it spilled into my idea of self. I learned about feelings – I was actually given a feelings chart in counseling and got to use lots of new words. I understood it was ok to be open and vulnerable, and there was no point in being rigid and always in control. I learned to be in the moment and constantly checking in and asking myself “How do I feel NOW??? Can I name it?” I understood having needs was different than being needy and ended up liking who I was as a person. Recovery was a time when I got to see me as God intended me to be.
I got to attend New ID for the first time in 2009. I learned so much about my identity in Christ. I heard the message of freedom being presented for the first time, and by this point I had seen quite a few counselors that had informed me this would be my life- long struggle. The idea of not having an eating disorder attached to my identity was revolutionary without a doubt. I had to dig deep to realize while I was going through the motions of freedom, I was not really free. I had learned to manage my disorder, but I had become attached to it.
Since 2009, I have not stopped being involved with New ID as a co-leader helping to facilitate the class in various churches in Charlotte and seeing many women from many walks of life hearing, for the first time, that freedom is possible. God delivered me from this hell and set me free. I know
he loves me; he is in control, and he has a plan. I know that there is nothing that can happen that he cannot use to deepen my relationship with him, and I have submitted my life to his plan and his authority. I am currently walking in freedom, which is not an easy path because I am constantly tempted, but when I hit a bump I look back at where I started and remember I was redeemed.
Written by: Lica Garnett
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